Dissolving

Instability is inevitable in the growing process. What once held us up is crumbling under the weight of what we are becoming. Structural instability might feel easy to explain or comprehend- when we can apply logic or numbers to what is being re-worked, there is a sense of safety that we can rely on.

The application of logic can do a lot for us. It is the reassurance of the father that we lean on in these times. What happens when the restructuring feels less structural than it has in the past? How do you keep yourself safe and grounded when it doesn’t feel like crumbling, but instead it feels as if you are dissolving?

Attempting to catch smoke in your grasp is pointless. It’s as if the edges of your being are melting away, you watch as pieces of you float off and disappear into the atmosphere.

Terror and panic set in as you enter the alchemical stage of chaos. You might find a desire to make sense of things that will lead to blame shifting. A racing mind might leave you frantically searching for an explanation, eyes darting from one person to the next as you attempt to decide whose fault this is.

You might not recall in this moment, but you have been here before. This is not the first time you’ve felt yourself dissolve. With the gift of hindsight (which is certainly not available to you in this moment) you can see that this is a temporary experience. Assigning blame or writing a story is a fools errand, but it can feel like all you have while you’re in it.

To exercise personal power, you must find it in you to sit in the experience without folding. Whatever thoughts are racing through your mind, you must let them race. Your ego will attempt to keep you safe by directing you to take actions that you will later regret. Projecting this pain onto someone else, posting about it, destroying something you love, these all seem like viable options in the moment.

The only true remedy is to sit until it passes. Your heart knows this, but is your mind too busy for you to hear the heart? Towers fall all the time, big and small. This is not your first rodeo, though it is your least favorite.

Here, the father is absent. There is no reassurance in the dissolving. You must be your own witness, your own father, your own authority. This stage of alchemy requires you to be your own Emperor.

Sit tight and listen, but do not succumb to the temptation of destruction. People die in this experience, just as they are born in this experience. Chaos is a sign that something incredible will soon emerge.